#By putting her in relationships with these women and if enid gets her happy ending

[streamdotpng]

"Although now I'm wondering how the rest of the girls will react"

The answer is not good stream. They will not be happy.

(Just assuming since we don't know mabel yet)

But Mabel seems to have pieces of all of them that Enid was attracted too.

The loyalty of Wednesday, the playfulness of Phoebe, the bravery of Tara, the innocence of Lorraine, the normalness of Vada....but she also has something they all don't have.

A sense of permanence.

Wednesday in particular won't take this well because she always, no matter what assumed she would always take first place in Enid's life. She wolfed out for her for lucifers sake!

Honestly, who's gonna be happy when you realize that the person you love moved on from you

Like it's a lie because Enid has trouble sleeping at night because she wonders too much about how they are but they don't know that

Wednesday definitely became a private investigator since it can give her more leads in finding Enid.

Not sure about Wednesday thinking she's entitled to being first place in Enid though, but I can definitely see her being hurt that Enid didnt reach out after all these years.

Wednesday is aware that enid left because she felt like her time in the Addams manor became too burdensome and she gone off to pay them back eventually but must she take years to do so?

[adrienneleclerc]

Happier

Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x Hispanic!Reader

Summary: When Xavier starts a new relationship and Y/N isn’t happy

Request: could u do a hispanic!reader x xavier based on the song Happier by olivia rodrigo with a happy ending bc my heart cannot handle sad 😭

Warning: none

A/N: i only like 3 songs by Olivia Rodrigo because her music isn’t really my “vibe” BUT I do listen to the song when requested. Y/N is like Klaus Hargreeves from The Umbrella Academy.

Y/N was in the Weathervane with Wednesday, Enid, and Bianca. They were chatting about what they did during their extended winter break due to Crackstone when Y/N saw Xavier talking to a girl outside, looks South Asian (since Xavier is know to be interested in women of color, I’m thinking of Maitreyi Ramakrishnan/Iman Vellani/Megan Suri or any other south Asian actress you know). Bianca noticed how Y/N stopped talking.

“You looking at Xavier and his new girlfriend? Whatever it is you’re feeling, I felt that when I saw you with Xavier.” Bianca said.

“I’m sorry, never knew it felt this way.” Y/N said.

“Don’t worry, if anything Xavier seemed happier with you than he was with me so it’s all good. What happened between the two of you, anyway?” Bianca asked.

“Um…we broke up during the break, his decision, it doesn’t matter.” Y/N said sipping her hot chocolate. That’s when Xavier and his new girlfriend entered the Weathervane and walked to their table.

“Hey ladies, this is Nadia, my girlfriend.” Xavier said.

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you. Let me guess names…you’re Wednesday, Enid, Bianca, and Y/N, right? Please tell me I got it right.” Nadia said, pointing to each girl respectively.

“Um yeah, you got it right, it’s nice to meet you too, Nadia.” Y/N said.

“Wow, Y/N, I love your necklace, it’s really pretty,” Nadia commented. Y/N looked down at the necklace she was wearing, it was a gift from Xavier, she started playing with the pendant.

“Oh, thank you, I really like your jacket.” Y/N said.

“Thank you, made the patches myself.” Nadia said smiling.

“We’re gonna sit somewhere, get some coffee, it’s nice see you after the break.” Xavier said, walking away with his arm around Nadia. Y/N then turned to Enid and Wednesday.

“Wednesday, you’re observant, sort of, did you find that interaction weird?” Y/N asked.

“She was acting too nice, probably overcompensating for the way you and Xavier broke up. It’s possible that Nadia knows that you’re his ex and is trying to get on your good side.” Wednesday said.

“Or maybe she’s just a friendly person. I compliment people all the time, maybe it’s just who she is.” Enid said.

“Maybe, it did take me a while to get used to you, Enid. No offense.” Y/N said.

“None taken.” Enid said. The girls continued talking but Y/N’s eyes strayed to Xavier and Nadia. They were sharing a slice of cake and Xavier wiped frosting on Nadia’s nose and both started giggling. Xavier kissed Nadia’s nose, licking the frosting off. Y/N thought back to when they would do cute shit like that

It was the day of the carnival. Y/N and Xavier were walking around hand in hand and after greeting Wednesday at the milk bottle booth, they went to the food stand and bought a funnel cake. Xavier was feeding pieces of funnel cake to Y/N and viceversa. Xavier then dabbed powdered sugar on Y/N’s nose.

“Ha ha, very funny, Flaquito.” Y/N said, then Xavier kissed the powdered sugar off her nose.

“You want to get a milkshake? Then we can go on the Ferris wheel.” Xavier suggested.

“Yeah, i can go for a milkshake. As long as you don’t put whipped cream on my nose.” Y/N said.

“No promises, sweetheart.” Xavier said as they bought a chocolate milkshake. And yes, Xavier did out whipped cream on her nose but they also shared the milkshake with two straws like in the movies.

Y/N snapped out of her memory when Bianca spoke.

“We should go shopping in the city. Get away from Jericho for a while.” Bianca said.

“Yeah, sounds fun, let’s go.” Y/N said. The girls paid and got an Uber to go to the city. They got out of the Uber and headed so a clothing store.

“Is it wrong for me to Xavier to be happy with Nadia, but not as happy as he was with me?” Y/N asked,

“I mean It’s normal in a breakup to want to feel like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to your ex, but it’s been a month.” Enid said.

“So you’re saying I’m being crazy?” Y/N asked.

“Just a little bit.” Enid said,

“Yeah, i know, telenovelas Don’t really show healthy relationships.” Y/N said, browsing for clothes.

“Thing could always spy on them.” Wednesday suggested.

“No, It’s fine, i Don’t want to seem like the crazy jealous ex.” Y/N said, thanking Wednesday for her offer.

After shopping, they went back to school where Y/N shares a dorm with Yoko.

“I met Nadia today, she seems nice.” Yoko mentioned.

“She’s going to Nevermore too?” Y/N asked.

“Yeah, she’s literally been here for a week, how do you not notice her?” Yoko asked.

“I Don’t know, how come I never cross paths with Eugene until I got to The Hummers meeting? Maybe she’s younger.” Y/N said.

“Nadia is literally our age. Anyway, Xavier and Nadia have been attached at the hip every time I saw them. Kinda like you two when you guys were dating.” Yoko mentioned.

“Are you trying to hurt me?” Y/N asked.

“I’m just tying to prepare you for the show Xavier and Nadia will put on, holding hands, kissing in the hallways…” Yoko started and Y/N threw a pillow at her face. “I’m just saying.”

The next day, it was Monday, Y/N was eating breakfast and she was watching Xavier and Nadia kissing.

“Ugh, I’m going insane.” Y/N said, grabbing her head to calm the voices.

“You’re not going insane, just relax.” Wednesday said.

“Not helping, Wednesday. I thought I was over him, he broke up with me like over a month ago, he broke up with me over video chat like a little bitch, and here I am basically pining over him. I hate it so much like you don’t understand, I feel like a stupid teenage girl.” Y/N exclaimed.

“You are a stupid teenage girl.” Wednesday said,

“Yeah, I’m aware. But the voices won’t stop and I can’t get weed from Ajax because I can’t be stoned in school and I don’t think I want to get weed where Xavier and Nadia are right in my line of sight.” Y/N said, holding her head even more.

“Cant you take aspirin or ibuprofen?” Enid asked.

“That’s not strong enough.” Y/N said.

The bell rang and everyone walked to class. Xavier and Nadia were sitting in botany class, right in front of Y/N, who was sitting with Bianca. Y/N was rolling her eyes when Xavier would whisper in Nadia’s ear, they were acting all cute it was sickening.

“Were him and I this annoying?” Y/N asked Bianca.

“Oh even more annoying. Xavier is a big fan of PDA, he’s territorial, you know this. Stop thinking about him though. How are the spirits?” Bianca asked.

“They will not shut up.” Y/N said,

“Yeah, i figured.” Bianca said. The bell rings and they’re walking to next class when Nadia stopped her.

“Hey Y/N, i heard you talk to the dead, right? My friend has the same ability, he says the dead love to talk and since you’re the only person that hears them, all of them talk to you, trying to get your attention. It gets annoying and I’m pretty sure you already have a headache from them so I have edibles and joints if you rather smoke it. My friend says that aspirins don’t really work to silence them but not being sober helps a lot. You can take them after school.” Nadia says, giving Y/N the bag which has edibles in a haribo gummy bears bag, and joints in an altoids case.

“Oh wow, Um, thank you so much, Nadia.” Y/N said,

“I just wants us to be okay, you know? Like I know about you and Xavier, I don’t like bringing it up, but Xavier talks about you a lot, actually. Like when we’re in the art shed, I still find paintings and sketches of you.” Nadia said.

“Xavier seems happy with you though, you two are really cute together. And you’re so fucking pretty like honestly, you have perfect skin.” Y/N said.

“Thank you, your hair is beautiful, I love it. I honestly feel jealous. But yeah, um, enjoy the weed, hopefully the spirits will finally leave you alone, I hope we can be friends.” Nadia said, then they both went to class.

Now it’s after school, Y/N took two edibles and started chilling in her bed. That’s when there was a knock on her door.

“Yoko, baby, Can you get it?” Y/N said but Yoko wasn’t in the room so she got up and opened the door to find Xavier. “Xavi! What are you doing here?”

“Are you high right now?” Xavier asked.

“Need to keep the spirits at bay. Your girlfriend hooked me up, she so nice! She probably gives you those classic stomach butterflies that people talk about in the movie. I mean, no wonder you broke up with me to be with her, right? I bet you tell her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, you know? The same way you told me a few months back. I hope she’s gullible enough to believe that eternal love bullshit too. You don’t break up with a girl over video chat if you claim she’s your eternal love.” Y/N said

“Are you kidding me right now? You’re high yet still sane to pick a fight with me?” Xavier asked.

“I’m not picking a fight with you. Are you happy with her?” Y/N asked.

“Yeah, Y/N, im happy with her.” Xavier said.

“Are you happier with her than you were with me?” Y/N asked.

“You cant ask me shit like that, Y/N.” Xavier said.

“Why did you break up with me?” Y/N asked.

“Why do you need to know that? What good would that do?” Xavier asked.

“What good it would do? It would give me closure! Closure that I fucking need to get over you because I can’t keep fucking looking at you and Nadia being all sickeningly adorable in front of me, wishing it was me! Every time I see you guys I am thinking ‘why did he break up with me? What was I doing wrong? Why DID he move on so quickly?’ So please, Xavier, for the love of all things that are holy, tell me why. I can’t have the voices and you be in my head all fucking day because I’ll have to be stoned all semester to handle that.” Y/N shouted.

“You were too much, okay! Every time we hung out, you were always a little stoned, do you know how that makes me feel? We couldn’t hold conversations properly because you don’t remember the conversations we had.” Xavier said.

“Do you think I like having this power? Nadia’s friend goes through the same thing! It’s the only think that works! Sure, Tylenol dulls the headache but it doesn’t calm the voices, especially those voices who want you to join the other side, it’s not fun, Xavier. So I’m sorry I was never completely sober when we were hanging out, there are Day where the spirits don’t communicate, and there are days where they talk a shit ton. You broke up with me for being too much? Try having my power for a day! It sucks the life out of you, now get out, you gave me the closure I needed, I don’t know why you came here and I don’t want to know, so get out.” Y/N said, shoving Xavier through the door and closing it. Y/N then screamed in her pillow. “He ruined my high for me!”

Xavier and Nadia were hanging in the art shed when Xavier asked her a question.

“Did you give Y/N drugs?” Xavier asked.

“It’s just weed, looks like she needed them. Can you imagine having voices in your head 24/7? My friend can’t handle that sober, unless she needed to. Besides I need her to know that we could be friends. Why do you ask?” Nadia asked.

“I talked to her in her dorm, she was so high. Saying some dumb shit.” Xavier said. Xavier started thinking about Y/N and what she said.

Weeks later, Nadia and Xavier were in his art shed kissing when Nadia pulls away.

“Hey, whats wrong?” Nadia asked,

“Nothing is wrong, Nadia,” Xavier said.

“Let me guess, is this about Y/N?” Nadia asked,

“What makes you say that?” Xavier asked,

“Listen Xavier, you can tell me. Lately your mind has been elsewhere, you’re like really off on our dates, it’s clear that you’re not over Y/N, even though you say you are.” Nadia said.

“I’m sorry, Nadia, i really am.” Xavier said

“It’s fine, you two have only been broken up for a month, I should have known you weren’t emotionally ready to move on. My fault.” Nadia said. “I’m gonna go.”

“Thank you for being understanding.” Xavier said. When Nadia left, he texted Y/N to come to the art shed. A few minutes later, Y/N knocked on the art shed door and Xavier let her in,

“Why am i here, Xavier?” Y/N asked.

“No.” Xavier said.

“No? No what, Xavier?” Y/N asked,

“Remember when you asked me if I was happier with Nadia than I was with you? The answer is no, I was definitely my happiest with you.” Xavier said.

“Then why did you tell me I was too much, I don’t understand.” Y/N said.

“I wanted it to seem that I moved on, i mean yes, i didn’t like that you were high all the time, but it was better for your mental health.” Xavier said.

“Tell me about it.” Y/N said.

“I probably don’t deserve this, but can we get back together?” Xavier asked.

“No, You’re on probation/a trial period.” Y/N said.

“You’re really going to make me work for it, huh?” Xavier said.

“Oh yeah, im gonna make you work like a dog for it.” Y/N said laughing. “Now let’s see all these paintings and sketches you did of me, Nadia mentioned it a few weeks ago.”

The End

It’s also kinda hard to give a happy ending to a sad song

[michaels-reality]

jsaghka whats wrong with ok ko?

Okay so I will spoil the whole main plot of the series with it but there are 3 main problems I’m gonna get into with this series and it’s problems with character design, jokes on child neglect, and ableism with system caricatures. And this is coming from someone who enjoys the show before anyone thinks I’m just hating to hate on it. But again, these issues are so big for me that I would not recommend this show to anyone skjhskjf.

1. Issues with character design

Alright, so first off, please look at this picture of the majority of the women of the show and tell me what’s wrong with it?

Yeah! Almost all of them have the exact same body type! I’ve seen people praise ok ko with its diverse character design but if you boil it down, almost all the women have the same cinched waist and big hips. And for the characters the characters that do have different body types, it's almost unfair to compare them to the rest of the characters, like you can’t compare Carol to Rippy Roo because Rippy Roo is an actual animal. And you can’t compare Dendy to Enid, because Dendy is a child and Enid is a teenager. And for the Ladies that have an actual difference in body type, that’s like 6 characters out of how many? And to those characters that have different body types, the Hue Troops only show up for 2 episodes and even then the main focus isn’t on them so they barely get any screen time, Punching Trudy shows up for one episode to fight Punching Judy, Pheobe shows up for 7 episodes but she’s a background character and I don’t ever remember her speaking, and then there’s Foxtail. Foxtail is probably the only female character that has a different body type that has an important role in the story and shows up for more than just background appearances.

Compared to the men in the show, there is way more diversity but even then, there is a lot of making the upper half of them bigger and giving them tiny hips and legs. 

There is also the issue that kinda pisses me off is the racial ambiguity of everyone. Like most of the characters aren’t even human so whatever, but there are characters like enid that have darker skin but she has straight purple hair so what are we supposed to get from that? I mean, I guess there is some wiggle room for anyone that isn’t white to claim her but then you start to see that all these darker skinned characters seem to always have straight hair and that’s also a problem. The only character I can confidently say is black is foxtail and she has straight hair. And the only character that is said to have curls and an afro is RADICLES who is BLUE and an ALIEN! Like it makes me mad that our curly haired and black coded character is designed like this. Like, I get it, he’s an alien, he’s blue, he’s not human, BUT WHY DID HE HAVE TO BE THE ONLY ONE? WHY CAN’T THERE BE ANOTHER CHARACTER WHO IS DARKER SKINNED AND CURLY HAIRED? 

It’s so ironic given that ok ko has one of the BEST racism metaphors I’ve ever seen in episode 28. Dendy says kappas don’t need pow cards to be heros but it feels nice to be appreciated but this show is not making me feel very appreciated right now sjglksjgds.

2. Jokes about child neglect/abuse

OKAY! BOXMAN! I LOVE BOXMAN BUT WHAT THE FUCK?

Okay, so in the show, Lord Boxman has robot minions that he is constantly annoyed with the performance of and punishes them and yells at them. AND I WOULDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS IF BOXMAN DIDN’T REFER TO THEM AS HIS CHILDREN! It’s shown in the show that Boxman raised them as baby robots and they call him daddy and they have a very familial relationship. But it’s constantly joked about with Boxman saying how they never make him proud not taken seriously in the show. Like, in the second episode, one of the first things we see Boxman do is put Darrel in the furnace and Darrel says “I deserve this” BUT DON’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY CUS DARREL IS A ROBOT AND HE’S BACK 2 SECONDS LATER! The robots get emotional over any sense of approval, like at the end of “Villains Night In” Darrel and Shannon literally fall apart after Boxman gives them shirts and says to “keep up the good work”, and the end of Plazalypmics, Darrel, Shannon, and Raymond get participation trophies and are really happy with that. Like, this isn’t normal.

The whole relationship between the robots and Boxman is actually pretty toxic and kind of bothers me sometimes. The robots seem to have a very intense sibling rivalry but it’s over the affection of Boxman, which is unhealthy but most of the time it’s just played off as funny joke for the tv. And it becomes even more apparent because episodes without Boxman, like Rad likes robots, it shows them getting along fine and even worrying about each other. And in season 2, Boxman comes back from the sun and Darrel stands up to him and says he doesn’t need him anymore, but one “I’m proud of you” from Boxman and Darrel is back to wanting his approval. LIKE ITS ALMOST NEVER FRAMED AS A BAD THING OR TAKEN SERIOUSLY! I AM NOT A FAN OF HOW THEY TREAT THIS! Like, I can admit it gets better after Venomous comes into the picture and Boxman has that realization of “oh I should be proud of my kids achievements” but to me it looks like this whole forgiving your abuser plot line and I fucking hate it! And Boxman still admits to incinerating his robots after the company switches over to his and Venomous’ ownership when discussing what to do to punish them and he says “I usually see improvement in my robots after I incinerate them.” 

And even if it got better, it’s still played off as a joke in all of season one and normalizes terrible behavior. Child neglect in tv shows, especially in children’s media, played off jokes and funny are never good and can be insensitive to children who are in these situations seeing it played up for laughs. You can argue that being on the villain’s side frames it as a bad thing but that kinda loses meaning in a show like ok ko where you start to see the villains as regular people and not necessarily bad, just “evil”. I just feel like this could have been treated so much better and not trivialized like this.

3. System Caricatures and ableism

Let me start off by saying, I am a singlet and I don’t have as much authority on this type of thing so feel free to correct me on anything I get wrong or add on in anyway. 

With that said, KO and TKO along with Shadowy Figure and Professor Venomous are terrible system caricatures. KO is 6-11 years old is prime age to develop a system, so when shadowy figure comes into KO’s life and traumatizes him, he splits. And so we begin our little “evil alter ego”(quoting the show! using this phrasing is terrible and should never describe a system like that) stereotype.

I’ve talked about OK KO with my friends who are systems and it makes them mad that this show had so many moments to be good system rep and then it turns around and fucks everything up! Like TKO could have been written well. TKO is very clear on stating he isn’t KO and is his own person but everyone still refers to him KO and treats him like a bad thing because he isn’t KO. And when TKO acts out due to being referred to as KO and rightfully being upset, they act like it is some evil act against them and they need KO back! Like, the show misses its own point so much!!! If they treated TKO like a person (which he is!!!!!) then half the problems they have wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. And TKO has done nothing wrong other than wanting to front! KO even talks about TKO as another person but they address him as such! 

The way people talk about TKO in this show makes me so mad, like when Dendy does tests on KO in “Mystery Science Fair 201X” to bring out TKO, TKO finally comes out to deal with the feelings KO can’t deal with and then they almost do it right when Dendy realizes she was the one that fucked up and then SHE APOLOGIZES TO KO INSTEAD OF TKO FSDGHSDFJ!!! And they always treat TKO as a threat as if he’s a danger! Like TKO’s a kid just like KO and acted out when the people around him upset him! Like a kid! And the last time TKO shows up in season one in the finale, TKO actually SAVES everyone in the plaza and leads the battle away from the plaza but because “oh but TKO is the evil” they go and try to stop him from saving them? Like yeah he got a little reckless but he only ended up hurting people in the plaza when Rad and Enid interfered. They treat him like a problem because they MAKE him a problem! 

Also, the moments where everyone tries to bring KO back by saying “you are loved” and all that, that’s actually really manipulative! Like, they’re using positive triggers to kick TKO out of front and that’s actually a really rude thing to do. They’re trying to bring to front who THEY want to see and it’s not fair to TKO who is fronting. It also goes the other way around when Dendy is experimenting on TKO to try and get him to front.

And then even KO treats him terribly, locking him in a cage, then keeping him in his head all the time, and then when he finally lets TKO out and TKO acts out from being locked in his own head for so long, KO then traps TKO in his subconscious. Which is terrible! TKO should be allowed to front and should be treated like his own person! It’s so weird how the show almost gets it right but then does shit like this that makes it terrible again. Like KO has a headspace and he creates things in his headspace and he talks to TKO like another person and they communicate their feelings but then the show turns this all on their head when KO locks TKO away and blames him for destroying everything when he’s the one trapping him in his brain. 

There is also the problem with TKO being the one with all the power and changing his appearance cus that all contributes to the system caricature. Also, TKO and KO integrating at the end of the series? ALSO VERY BAD AND HARMFUL CARICATURE! Alters are different people and they should be treated as different people and KO is not TKO all along THEY ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE! And integration is possible but it’s usually not by choice. And even then, integration being the end goal of a story is a very ableist narrative and shouldn’t be written.

And it confuses me, why does shadowy figure have his own pow card but TKO doesn’t. Like, KO and TKO are established more as being different people than Shadowy Figure and Venomous so why doesn’t he get his own pow card? Like the end of season one, TKO fought the fight at the plaza and used his power to defeat Boxman jr but at the end KO ends up leveling up instead. And on the topic of TKO’s power, again, that shouldn’t be a thing. TKO and KO should both have access to the same power because they use the same body because that's how systems work! They use the same body!

And I know what the show was trying to do like “oh TKO is a manifestation of all the bad feelings that KO has!” but there are so many ways to do that without making a caricature of systems. Like if you didn’t make TKO a person then this would have been fine. Like if other people didn’t see TKO this could have been fine. There are ways to make a manifestation of your negative emotions without doing it like this. And the way this show did it is such bad writing, because you are meant to think TKO is this terrible manifestation of emotions but all you see is this scared kid who doesn’t know where he is and lashes out when he gets rightfully upset. BECAUSE LET ME REMIND YOU! TKO AND KO ARE BOTH 6-11 YEARS OLD! THEY ARE KIDS! THEY’RE SITUATION SHOULDN’T BE TREATED THIS WAY

And my guy shadowy figure...... bad. Shadowy Figure and Venomous’ is not only a terrible caricature but also very inaccurate. With KO and TKO, their system developed at the correct time as a child, but with Shadowy Figure and Venomous, they developed after Venomous got his snake disease. And, Venomous doesn’t even know about Shadowy Figure and that can be a result of dissociative amnesia but it’s really unfortunate. And again! the end of the series! Shadowy Figure and Venomous integrate into one entity and it’s terrible! Because they aren’t the same person and shouldn’t be treated as the same person! And again with the whole “evil alter ego”. Like Shadowy figure only exists to traumatize KO and make him split and create TKO. And the fact that they turn out to be KO’s dad??? Yikes??? Like again, these are terrible caricatures and are harmful to systems and should’ve been treated better in the show.

---

Like, I love OK KO, I used to hold this show very close to my heart and made me very happy to see this show with the amount of LGBT rep but looking back it was very bad in many ways. Like that racism episode I mentioned, that shit resonates with me! And I appreciate characters like Dendy and KO and I still love the boxbots and venomous, I just wished this show lived up to the potential that it had.

TL;DR: OK KO has a problem with misogynistic character design and colorism, normalizes child neglect, and has put out an ableist narrative with system caricatures.

[magaprima]

““Half of me is beautiful but you were never sure which half.” — Ruth Feldman, “Lilith”

Below the read more is an interesting scholarly article about Lilith by Rabbi Jill Hammer

Lilith is the most notorious demon in Jewish tradition. In some sources, she is conceived of as the original woman, created even before Eve, and she is often presented as a thief of newborn infants. Lilith means “the night,” and she embodies the emotional and spiritual aspects of darkness: terror, sensuality, and unbridled freedom. More recently, she has come to represent the freedom of feminist women who no longer want to be “good girls.”

The story of Lilith originated in the ancient Near East,where a wilderness spirit known as the “dark maid” appears in the Sumerian myth “The descent of Inanna” (circa 3000 BCE). Another reference appears in a tablet from the seventh century BCE found at Arslan Tash, Syria which contains the inscription: “O flyer in a dark chamber, go away at once, O Lili!”

Lilith later made her way into Israelite tradition, possibly even into the Bible.Isaiah 34:14, describing an inhospitable wilderness, tells us: “There goat-demons shall greet each other, and there the lilit shall find rest.” Some believe this word “lilit” is a reference to a night owl, and others say it is indeed a reference to the demon Lilith. A magical bowl from the first century CE, written in Hebrew, reads:” Designated is this bowl for the sealing of the house of this Geyonai bar Mamai, that there flee from him the evil Lilith…” Ancient images of Lilith which show her hands bound appear to be a form of visual magic for containing her.

In the Talmud, Lilith becomes not only a spirit of darkness,but also a figure of uncontrolled sexuality. The Babylonian Talmud (Shabbat151a) says: “It is forbidden for a man to sleep alone in a house, lest Lilith get hold of him.” Lilith is said to fertilize herself with male sperm to give birth to other demons.

In Genesis Rabbah, we encounter a brief midrash that claims that Adam had a first wife before Eve. This interpretation arises from the two creation stories of Genesis: InGenesis 1, man and woman are created at the same time, while inGenesis 2 Adam precedes Eve. The rabbinic tale suggests that the first creation story is a different creation, in which Adam has a wife made, like him, from the earth. For some reason this marriage doesn’t work out,and so God makes Adam a second wife, Eve.

In the ninth or tenth century, a clever collection of legends titled the Alphabet of Ben Sira draws on earlier stories of Adam’s wife, and of Adam’s coupling with demons, and spins an elaborate story in which Lilith is Adam’s first wife:

“When the first man, Adam, saw that he was alone, God made for him a woman like himself, from the earth.God called her name Lilith, and brought her to Adam. They immediately began to quarrel. Adam said: “You lie beneath me.” And Lilith said: “You lie beneath me! We are both equal, for both of us are from the earth.” And they would not listen to one another.As soon as Lilith saw this, she uttered the Divine name and flew up into the air and fled. Adam began to pray before his Creator, saying: “Master of the universe, the woman that you gave me has fled.” God sent three angels and said to them: “Go bring back Lilith. If she wants to come, she shall come, and if she does not want to come, do not bring her against her will.“

he Lilith of this story confronts both Adam and God: she defies patriarchy, refuses a submissive sexual posture,and in the end refuses marriage altogether, preferring to become a demon rather than live under Adam’s authority. Notice that Lilith flees to the Sea of Reeds:the place where the Hebrews will one day go free from slavery. In this version of the Lilith story, Lilith becomes what all tyrants fear: a person who is aware she is enslaved.

This version of the Lilith tale in the Alphabet of Ben Sira quickly spread throughout Jewish life, and others expanded on it. The Zohar, a mystical work from 12th century Spain, imagines Lilith not only as the first wife of Adam but also as the wife of Satan. In the Kabbalah, Lilith takes on cosmic power. She is a chaotic counterpart to the Shekhinah (the feminine Divine Presence, the bride of the Infinite). In fact, the Zohar imagines that while the Jews suffer in exile, the Holy One (the masculine aspect of the Divine) separates from the Shekhinah, and consorts with Lilith.Lilith’s sexual-spiritual link with the Divine will only end when the Messiah comes and the brokenness in the world is mended.

In folk Judaism, the primary myths about Lilith continue to identify her principally as a stealer of babies. Numerous amulets for pregnant women and babies from medieval through modern times use the three names of the angels mentioned in the Alphabet of Ben Sira (Sanvi, Sansanvi, and Samangelof) to ward away Lilith. Such amulets may also contain a circle with the names of Adam and Eve on the inside of the circle, and the name of Lilith on the outside: a clear warning to Lilith to stay outside the family realm. A red ribbon is also sometimes placed on a crib to ward off Lilith.

In the modern period, the tale of the put-upon wife who flees to a place of liberation became a celebrated paradigm. Numerous modern Jewish poets and authors, female and male, wrote accounts of Lilith that use old stories to express new ideas.

Perhaps the best-known of the new Lilith tales is”The Coming of Lilith,” by Judith Plaskow. In this feminist midrash, Lilith flees the garden because she is an “uppity woman” who doesn’t want to be pushed around by Adam or God. However, she misses female companionship.Lilith soon sneaks back into the garden and befriends Eve. Eve has been told Lilith is a demon, but once the two women share their stories, they become allies and companions in the search for knowledge.

Enid Dame, in her poem “Lilith,” imagines Lilith as an eternal bohemian who leaves Eden, drops in and out of men’s sexual fantasies in the Middle Ages, and now lives with a cab driver in New Jersey,where she still cries in the bathroom as she remembers Eden “and the man and the God I couldn’t live with.”

In Lynn Gottlieb’s story of Lilith, Lilith is made from the sky and Adam from the earth. In her love for Adam, Lilith chooses to forget she came from the sky, and she becomes Eve, settled and happy but ignorant of her own true nature. In her story, Gottlieb dramatizes the struggle of women to love men while still loving themselves.

On the other hand, Jacqueline Lapidus’ brief poem”Eden” imagines a lesbian encounter between Lilith and Eve. Using the Lilith legend, Lapidus invents an origin story for love between women. Scholar and author Ohad Ezrachi frequently writes about Lilith as a split-off sexual component of women, an image created by men fearful of a full relationship. He encourages men and women to see Lilith and Eve as the same person.

Lilith has become such a popular figure that whole enterprises (like the women’s music concert Lilith Fair and the Jewish feminist journal Lilith Magazine) are named after her. Once a source of fear, Lilith has been transformed into an icon of freedom. While some disapprove of this widespread embrace of a former demon, Lilith’s rehabilitation makes sense. The frightening character of Lilith grew, in part, out of repression: repression of sexuality, repression of the free impulse in women, repression of the question “what if I left it all behind?” As modern Jews begin to ask questions about sex, freedom, and choice more directly, Lilith becomes a complex representation of our own desires.

[teamxdark]

Another ToA trivia/headcanon dump!

Arthur still can’t swim.

Even if they had the option to do so, Arthur and Guin wouldn’t remarry. Neither particularly wanted to get married in the first place and, ironically enough, that mutual understanding is one of the reasons why their marriage is working out so well.

They also have no issues calling each other ‘husband’ or ‘wife’ and use those titles kind of like we would use the terms ‘bro’ or ‘friend’. Neither feels any weight behind the words and they’re fun to joke around with sometimes.

Arthur likes to spend time in the library sometimes. He can only bring himself to read fiction, though. Anything else tends to not grab his attention and then the words blur together and he learns important history and politics better by listening anyway.

Guin never considered her parents to be ‘bad’, but with some distance from them, she’s beginning to realise just how controlling they really were.

Guin spent most of her late teens/twenties sneaking out, going to bars, doing research, flirting and finding treasures. She took a few lovers, male and female, but none lasted long.

Aside from Arthur, Lancelot and Gawain, Guin also enjoys the company of Bedivere and Dindrane. She also flirts with both of them, though she knows that it won’t go anywhere (Bedivere isn’t interested in women, Dindrane is aromantic; both are asexual like Guin and she is very happy to have found more like herself).

Once, while they were hunting emerald shards, Guin’s hair came loose and Gawain rebraided it without a word. Neither have ever brought it up again.

Both Lancelot and Guin have tried to teach Arthur how to dance. He still can’t do it well. Arthur has also tried to teach them both how to breakdance. Lancelot can keep up, but Guin? Can’t do it at all and she finds it exceedingly frustrating.

Basically everyone refers to Yseult as ‘Tristan’s wife’ and only Tristan protests because technically Yseult is still married to her uncle. Yseult doesn’t consider that marriage valid and also calls herself Tristan’s wife. At this point, Tristan only protests out of habit.

I had an excellent pun opportunity to name the Acorn Kingdom ‘Acornwall’ since Sir Tristan came from Cornwall and that was a lost opportunity that I internally weep over.

Bedivere experiences phantom limb syndrome and often reaches out his right arm to grab something before seeing his wrist and having an ‘oh’ moment.

Bedivere also considers his lost hand as punishment for being careless enough to lose it in the first place. His friends (Bors, Gawain, Gaheris, Guin) are all very concerned by this and are trying to break him out of that mentality. It’s a work in progress.

Only Bedivere knows that he is a trans man. He figures that, so long as others recognise him as male, that’s all that’s important. All the same, he does give Galahad some pointers on voice training, and Galahad is amazed at how much he knows about it.

Galahad knew that he was a boy pretty much from the day he learned about gender.

Percival, on the other hand, took a lot longer to realise she was a girl. She put the pieces together when she was about ten, but didn’t come out and start socially transitioning until she was twelve.

Percival and Lamorak communicated exclusively by letters until they finally met face-to-face when Percival was twelve years old.

Percival and Lamorak are sixteen years apart in age.

Lamorak is actually one of the most powerful knights of the Round Table; he can manipulate gravity to his will... he just chooses not to most of the time. He says it’s because it’s ‘too much effort’ but the truth is that he doesn’t want to become dependent on his abilities.

One of the reasons why Lamorak and Kay get along well is because Lamorak likes to boss people around and Kay had been raised to think of himself as dim-witted and so he seeks out guidance to follow. Their relationship is somewhat codependent and they only realised it when Dindrane entered their group and brought it up. They’re working on it.

Kay also likes being on a team with Tristan, who is a natural leader, for the same reason as above.

Gareth and Gawain are blood-related. Gaheris is adopted. If anyone implies that Gaheris isn’t their ‘real brother’, Gawain punches them and Gareth looks at them in disappointment and it’s hard to say which one hurts more.

Gareth is the oldest sibling (32 by the end of ToA), Gawain is the middle sibling (31) and Gaheris the youngest (29).

Gareth is one of the few who is on friendly terms with Geraint.

Geraint has a very odd way of showing that he cares, and so far, only two people can claim to recognise that; his friend Gareth and his husband Enid. Despite hating his father, Geraint has a soft spot for Galahad as well. Who doesn’t.

Enid was the one to propose. Arthur officiated the marriage. Geraint and Arthur are the only knights to be officially married.

Since all dual-wielders are bisexual, let’s hear it for Gawain, Lamorak, and Tristan!

Bors is the oldest knight at age 35 at the end of ToA.

Smithy didn’t know that his brother and Lancelot were in love, but he also wasn’t surprised when he found out.

Smithy’s current projects are: the usual repairs and upgrades, new swords based off of Galatine and Laevatein, and he’s working on the plans for a prosthetic hand... just in case...

Lancelot realised he was gay when he caught himself staring at Gawain after one of their sparring matches.

Gawain has also had a crush on Lancelot at one point in his life, though it didn’t last long. He’s had many crushes that didn’t last long, from his childhood in Angel Village all the way through his knighthood. It’s part of the reason why his weird feelings for Guin bothered him but ultimately didn’t concern him in chapter 19; he figured they would go away soon enough like all the other times.

Galahad does have a sword, he just prefers using his powers more, especially against numerous foes.

After Gareth and Gaheris left the infirmary, Arthur took Merlina to Nimue so they could discuss magic types and see if Nimue had anything to teach her. After that, Merlina regularly visited Misty Lake as a student.

Guin, despite being foreign, is very popular among Avalon’s populace.

Arthur told Lancelot about Merlina’s vision as well, post-ToA. He did, however, omit one singular detail...

[shalebridge-cradle]

Bisclavret Round-Up

Unholy took about three months to write. Fairy Tale took five. Hindsight took six.

Bisclavret took nineteen, and that should be the biggest indicator to you that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

This was my first venture into another fandom, and out of my comfort zone (though not entirely – supernatural elements for life). I’m not sure whether or not I did the source material and its characters justice, however, especially with the supernatural element I went with (Wolves are believed to have gone extinct in England in the late fifteenth or early sixteenth century), but I will try to explain my reasoning behind some of my decisions here.

The Characters

My main concern.

We get a good view of Monty’s thought process throughout the show, through the framing device of writing his memoirs and views of his private affairs. Phoebe and Sibella, on the other hand, are characters we don’t get much of in the way of examination – we only see them through Monty’s eyes until the very end, where they reveal themselves as more than that.

Sibella is a bit self-centred, and extremely practical when it comes to how she sees her place in society, which implies some self-confidence issues. Phoebe is more idealistic, and independent, but still hopes for a match fit for a storybook. But, towards the end, Sibella demonstrates she is more than a vain god-digger, afraid of losing the man she loves and willing to potentially compromise her image to save him, while Phoebe shows that she is not nearly as innocent or naive as the people around her consider her to be.

I interpreted the two women’s characterisations as thus; Sibella believes she is bound by society’s view of her. Phoebe does not. This, I believed, needed to be the focus.

Which is where we introduce…

The Whole Werewolf Thing

“[Post-modern Gothic] warns us to be suspicious of monster hunters, monster makers, and above all, discourses invested in purity and innocence. The monster always represents the disruption of categories, the destruction of boundaries, and the presence of impurities and so we need monsters and we need to recognize and celebrate our own monstrosities.”  - J Halberstam, Skin Shows: Gothic Horror and the Technology of Monsters

I gave a number of possible causes of the D’Ysquith ‘family curse’, if it is one – the actions of the first countess, Gregory D’Ysquith burning down a monastery (divine punishment is a possible cause), but I never gave a specific answer. I think I might be operating on the logic of the original Bisclavret – it’s irrelevant.

The reason there isn’t is because I intended it as a metaphor – which I think I’ve made clear with my chapter updates here (though you don’t have to read it that way, Death of the Author and all that), but I never quite decided and what it was a metaphor for. In terms of this particular narrative, it can be read as a metaphor for feminism, and/or a metaphor for same-sex attraction.

Feminism

Edwardian Era England, where A Gentleman’s Guide takes place, is not overly-represented in fiction. Not surprising, considering it’s a pretty short time period between the surprisingly long Victorian era and the world-changing events of World War One. However, when you think of that time period, a certain group tends to come to mind – the suffragettes.

(Just a note. Agatha D’Ascoyne, the character from Kind Hearts and Coronets who inspired Hyacinth D’Ysquith in the musical, was a suffragette. She has no lines, apart from “Shush!” – Deeds, Not Words.)

We know what these people wanted – Votes for Women. They were not prepared to wait for society to change to get it, and when peaceful protest was ignored, they began to act out. They refused to fit into their role of quiet, demure, loyal wives, and for some groups, this was seen as threatening. Anti-suffragette cartoons of the time often depicted these women as old, ugly and/or selfish for wanting similar rights to men instead of accepting their place as a ‘lesser being’.

The point I am trying to make is, being in defiance of the role you are expected to play – which Sibella is afraid to show – was seen by many to be ugly. Beastly.

Phoebe runs Henry’s country estate for him. Phoebe flaunts societal expectations by proposing to Monty, instead of waiting for him to propose, the ‘proper’ way to do things. While she is feminine, she does not fit the idea of what a woman ‘should be’.

Sibella makes a point to meet her obligations as a wife, though she does surreptitiously carry on an affair. She sacrifices her own happiness to get what she wants in a socially acceptable way. She has no intention of leaving Lionel in the source material, but she convinces herself that a rich, good-looking, polite man – what society thinks of as the ideal male – is what she wants, and realises on her wedding day that it isn’t.

And goes through with it anyway.

When she can no longer fit that mould, when she refuses to go along with Lionel’s plan to leech off the countess, when she undermines and argues with her husband, that’s when things start happening. Indeed, her ‘beastly’ outbursts manifest as standing up for herself. She ends the story as a much happier and self-assured person than she was at the beginning, and attempts to bring justice to other women.

Same-Sex Attraction

This is a bit more straightforward. We’re coming right off the back of the Victorian era here, where Oscar Wilde and others like him got their lives ruined. Same-sex relationships aren’t viewed in a positive light at all at this time – you like the same gender? Off to prison with you, deviant!

As people that were (and often still are) villainised, misunderstood and attacked for the crime of existing, some members of the LGBT community reclaim monsters such as vampires, werewolves and the Babadook as their own as a means of subverting their image in a heteronormative society. Being ‘monstrous’ is not bad. Being different is fine. You may feel malformed and wrong, but you are not. You and your quirks are accepted.

For some, the ones to fear are those who appear in the daylight.

Sibella, for all her talk of being a monster, only fights back when threatened. Morton has a heart attack when put in the position of his victims, subverting the formula he’s used to. Lionel, fearing that Sibella will leave him and damage his image, resorts to violence against Sibella and several other women he sees as substitutes for her. Mary attempts to murder Sibella for getting in the way of a monogamous man-woman relationship. In her eyes, Sibella is an irredeemable villain, but Phoebe can be ‘fixed’.

If you want to look deeper into this link between horror and the LGBT community, here’s a video essay discussing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender representation in horror films.

There are only a few non-metaphorical references to werewolves. The wolf head in Eugenia’s dower house is a family member – as previously mentioned, wolves went extinct in England during the reign of Henry VII. St Hubert’s Key is a charm that more often than not looks like a nail, and was supposed to be able to rid the body of disease caused by a dog or wolf bite. There is some science behind this – the metal was heated before being pressed to the wound, and, if the subject was at risk of contracting rabies from the injury, the heat would likely sterilise and cauterise the potential infection site.

Not the First Murder-y Heir

There are a couple of characters named or directly taken from Israel Rank – Autobiography of a Criminal, the inspiration for Kind Hearts and Coronets and A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder. I’ve compared these works before, so I’ll just go over those that appear here.

Esther (Lane) – The third object of Israel Rank’s affections, and a governess. Knows more than she’s letting on in Israel Rank, and in this story as well.

James “Jim” Morton – Appears for about a page to explain Israel’s disillusionment with the ideal male – while Morton seems great to some, he really isn’t. Since Jim only appears as a child in the book, his characterisation here is drastically different.

Lord and Lady Pebworth – Almost directly lifted from the book, with Lady Pebworth being a bad singer and Lord Pebworth an older gentleman who lets his wife get away with a lot. The difference here is that Israel introduces the Hollands to the Pebworths, while the Pebworths are hoping the Hollands introduce them to Lord and Lady Navarro.

Sir Anthony Cross – Quiet, very well-off, slightly older gentleman who is quite taken by Sibella, but it doesn’t go anywhere. Acquaintance of the Pebworths. Pretty much the same guy.

Ethel D’Ysquith (Gascoyne) – An ancestor Israel is quite taken with, not only due to the resemblance between the two. He’s made the 3rd Earl of Highhurst because I didn’t feel like making an imaginary preceding title (Monty is only the 9th Earl, while the 10th Earl Gascoyne is about five generations before Israel – Ethel was the 6th Earl) and the 2nd Earl, Roland, had already been named in the musical. Phoebe’s description of him is meant to heavily imply he was also a werewolf. If I had read the book before fleshing out the D’Ysquith family tree, he would have taken the role that the first countess plays in the narrative’s events (Ethel Gascoyne hid in a tower with an Italian magician for 20 years).

Kate Falconer – The character who would later be known as ‘Boat Girl’ in Kind Hearts and Coronets and Evangeline Barley in A Gentleman’s Guide. Her great crime is to go on holiday with her boyfriend, and gets poisoned for her troubles. She survives here, and I used her to try a formatting technique (while she speaks, none of her dialogue is in quotes: in a way, she is voiceless).

(Sir) Cheveley Drummond, (Lady) Enid Branksome, and Catherine Goodsall – only mentioned briefly. Drummond is described as handsome and ‘interesting’ by Israel, Lady Enid is a young woman from a penniless but aristocratic family, and Catherine Goodsall in an actress whose abusive husband was beaten so badly by a Gascoyne he joined the navy and never came back to land.

In addition, Lionel’s later characterisation comes directly from Kind Hearts and Coronets, since he gets  almost none in the musical. His breakdown in Chapter 11 follows his emotional journey when asking for a loan – affability, begging, threatening suicide, insults and physical violence.

Literary References:

Not always relevant, but there is a wide enough variety that I’m collecting them.

Every chapter title, and the tagline of the work, comes from Manners and Social Usages by Mary Elizabeth (Mrs. John) Sherwood. It’s a bit out of date by the time of this story (written in 1884), but Sherwood does have some great phrases in her etiquette handbook.

Ruddigore is mentioned in chapter 2, only because it is a musical theatre production (opera) where ancestors play a role and family expectations are subverted.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet. It’s Hamlet.

When in the chronicle of wasted time, I see descriptions of the fairest wights, and beauty making beautiful old rhyme in praise of ladies dead, and lovely knights...  Shakespeare’s Sonnets, Number 106.

I desire, and I crave… Fragment from Sappho’s poetry.

The countess closes her book; something by a George Reynolds. George W. M. Reynolds wrote Wagner the Wher-Wolf (with that spelling) in 1857.

I met a lady in the meads, full beautiful, a faery’s child: Her hair was long, her foot was light, and her eyes were wild. La Belle Dame sans Merci (The beautiful lady without mercy) by John Keats.

Sibella also briefly mentions Algernon Blackwood, a supernatural fiction writer who wrote a short story about a werewolf (portrayed quite differently here) that a character in 1909 could have possibly read (the story was first published in 1908).

In addition, the whole story is named after a very early depiction of a sympathetic werewolf, Bisclavret by Marie de France (and the most direct I think I’ve ever been with a title). It depicts, naturally, a werewolf (who is also a knight, because not being human doesn’t disqualify you from doing that – cutting social commentary for the 12th century) who is trapped in his wolf form after being tricked by his wife and her lover. Through chivalric behaviour to the king on a hunt, he works himself back into the royal court and, when his former wife pays a visit, bites off her nose. The king thinks the sudden aggressive behaviour from his pet prompts further investigation, the wife reveals all, and the knight is restored to human form. Also, all of the wife’s children are born without noses from then on. Lionel getting his nose bitten off is a reference to this poem.

Uncategorised Trivia

This work was written with the UK spellings of certain words, because it takes place in England. Previous works all took place in the US, and so used US spelling.

Les Patineurs Valse is French for The Skater’s Waltz. Reference to Asquith Jr. and Evangeline Barley.

All of the racehorse names Sibella finds are either variations, anagrams or synonyms of actual racehorses in the Victorian and Edwardian eras. Sir Hugh is Sir Huon, Gil Owen is Neil Gow, Irish Lass is Irish Lad, Supervision is Oversight and Pinnacle is Meridian.

Lionel was right to be concerned about Phoebe’s flower arrangement. Red begonias represent love, lavender-coloured heathers represent admiration and loneliness (and are a reference to another fandom I write for), tuberoses are symbolic of wild or forbidden passion (and was commonly used as a funeral flower), and verbena is reference to romance and sweet memories. The dead foliage is meant to mean sadness. Overall, the intended meaning is I miss you, my love.

[aisling-beatha]

A lot about living [SFW]

A standalone story #1

Part 1 Part 2

The Walking Dead | Daryl Dixon X Reader

Warning: Swearing

Your break-up was like a bolt from the blue to the whole Alexandrian community. It was so unexpected that nobody found the courage to seek for reasons as neither you nor Daryl was open about it. To be precise, it wasn’t like you told them the news, it was more like they saw it. Anyway, it was obvious to every living soul in Alexandria who at least knew your names.

The gossips spread in just a few days. So soon after that, you were catching both interested and terrified gazes from every single human from the place.

You and Daryl were inseparable. You came to Alexandria together. You fought together. You were on supply runs together. You even shared a home, living with Carol. And, well, needless to say, that you shared the bed too. And soon after your arrival, the locals got one thing, it was practically impossible to see either of you walking down the streets of Alexandria alone. People were intrigued by the relationship you seemed to have. Women in the community would look after both of you walking shoulder to shoulder with bitterness. And, well, both of you heard enough shit about yourselves. Filthy redneck, stupid bitch… People were judging. They gave you names. Not like it bothered you, but sometimes you wished, you could get away from that.

Your group, on the other hand, was more than happy to see you two together. After months of dancing around each other during the prison time, you two finally made sense of it. You had never given it the name, but it was always there. He was yours, and you belonged to him.

But then, in a split second, it was over.

***

You overslept. You knew that the moment you opened your eyes. The sun’s rays pierced your eyes. You had absolutely no desire to get out of bed. Another day, another routine, it started to be exhausting.

Alexandria was extremely short on supplies. People had to go out the gates almost every single day to find food or medication, and Alexandrians’ inability to fight only dramatized the situation. After the recent events of dealing with bigger herds near the community, your people couldn’t risk going out alone no more. But it wasn’t the same in the beginning. When you saw the place for the first time, it seemed to be a true miracle. Finally, after months of wandering through the woods, your family got a place to call a home.

“Think that’s a good idea?”

“Might be. We have to give the place a chance.”

You were standing on the porch of the house absolutely exhausted. The day was… eventful. New place, new people. Something surreal. Aaron not only took you to Alexandria but was kind enough to tell Diana to give all of you some time. As if he knew that not everybody would like to stay.

“Don’t trust ‘em here.”

You turned your head to Daryl, watching him lighting up a cigarette. He looked tired. He definitely was. He was still wearing his clothes covered in road dirt and dust and walkers’ blood. As if he didn’t care. He probably didn’t, you thought to yourself.

“It’s been too long since we had anything like this. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time we actually slept on something that is not ground or dirt” you chuckled and closed your eyes for a moment. “We need it, Daryl. We may or may not like it, but we need this place.”

Daryl looked back at you, wishing he could just wash away all of the pain and sorrow from your heart. He was new to romantic relationships, but definitely not new to when it came to taking care of people around him, his family. Having something with you meant he didn’t give up. You were still alive. You lost too much after the prison and on the road. People, strength, hope. It was an endless nightmare. And you were right in the middle of it. He just wished he could take all the weariness from you to see you smiling again.

“Ya wanna stay? ’M fine with it then” he said after some time. You just smiled at him tiredly and nodded.

Both of you were silent now. No words needed. The silence was welcomed and even comforting after the open road, where every noise could be the sign of danger. Here, it was calming.

You closed your eyes again. Your whole body ached, but at the same time, you didn’t want to move. You leaned on the railing, hoping to find some relief for you back. You didn’t know how much time had passed when you heard Daryl moving behind you. His hands were now on your shoulders, gently rubbing them. You smiled again, melting from his touch.

“Ya alright?” he asked when you straightened up and turned around to face him. He must have seen something in your eyes, something that made him all shy and uncertain again. The change was so visible that it made you frown. But before you could ask, Daryl kissed you. It was just a peck on the lips, but it was there. Daryl instantly moved away, hiding his head in the crook of your neck.

“I’m here,” you whispered, smiling softly and hesitantly hugging him. “We are here.”

You tried to sit up, instantly regretting the idea. Your whole body was sore from yesterday’s run. Pain in your shoulder was still sharp too. The deep cut there would take a hell lot of time to heal.

You didn’t feel like leaving your room. You rubbed your eyes and face several times, trying to concentrate but every time ended up looking blankly at the ceiling. A sticky feeling settled in your heart. You turned to the side, mindful of the injury, and stared at the second pillow lying next to yours. The other side of the bed was empty.

Walking down the stairs, you spotted Carol fussing in the kitchen.

“Thought you’d wake me up.”

“Well, good morning to you too, sweetheart,” Carol smiled, ignoring your small complaint. “You needed to sleep, though. Yesterday was a close call, you know that.”

“It’s the third time I’m missing the morning training. I’m starting to get sick of it” you answered, pouring yourself a glass of water.

Carol watched you with narrowed eyes. As much as you loved the woman, her new habit of constantly checking on you was pissing you off. She acted as if she knew something you didn’t.  And that was annoying as hell.

You tried to ignore her gaze most of the time, but these days it was clearly impossible. And if the calendar thing still existed, you were sure, these days had to be Mondays.

“What are your plans for today?” Carol asked after some time, going back to washing dishes.

“Gonna check on Tara first,” you shrugged. “Might as well go training with Enid. Have to make it up for the last three times.”

Carol frowned at your words but didn’t say anything.

Yesterday you and Tara took one of the cars and went scavenging on your own. You spent several hours, going from one place to another before you finally found a store with some canned goods left. Both of you were exhausted to the bones and finding literally anything was already big luck. So you called it a day.

Though things went south in the end. On your way back you ran into a group of men who more than willingly wanted to take your stuff. The ensuing fight ended with you being stabbed and Tara being shot. The wounds weren’t as terrible as they could be, though you barely made it back to Alexandria. Rick was furious, but that small amount of food you’d managed to find helped you get away without another lecture but with a stern look.

“I thought, you were taking Judith today,” you said, trying to change the topic.

“I am,” Carol dried her hands on the towel and turned around to look at you. “Rick wanted to come by later.”

You grunted in response, making your way to the hall. You didn’t really want to meet Rick after yesterday’s incident, deciding to leave the house as soon as possible.

***

You were putting on your jacket, hissing from the pain in your shoulder, when you heard Carol greeting Rick and Michonne downstairs, and asking Judith to sit on the chair. Yup, that was definitely Monday. Now, there was no chance you could slip away from the house unnoticed. You sighed and silently prayed for some strength, as you left your room.

“Y/N,” Michonne saw you first.

“Morning,” you mumbled before turning your attention to Judith. “Hey there, princess!” you bent over to give her a kiss on the chick. “How are you doing?”

“How’s your shoulder?” Rick’s voice came from behind, making you purse your lips and wince. You really didn’t want to sound mean to anyone, and it wasn’t a personal thing either, but you were definitely in no mood to talk about your well-being.

“I’ll live”, you shrugged it off and headed towards the door, hoping no more questioning would follow.

The problem was that you couldn’t really be mad at them for asking you things. If anything happened to Carol or Rick, or Michonne, you’d want to make sure they were okay too. They were your family. You’d die for them. But you no longer could stand their looks, as if you were dying from some kind of shitty disease. More than that, as if you were broken.

“You going out today?” Michonne asked before you reached the door. “Shouldn’t you be staying at bed?”

“I’m injured, not dying!” you snapped but instantly regretted your flash of anger. “Just wanted to make it up for Enid. Girl’s doing some progress with her knives. Promise I’ll be gentle to myself” you explained, giving Michonne a weak smile, hoping it would be enough for her to leave the subject.

“Y/N,” Rick sighed but slowly nodded to you. “Just be careful, alright?”

You nodded quietly.

Rick was one of the best people you’ve ever met. Great father, friend, leader. You knew he cared for every person in your group. You also knew that he’d be the first to blame himself if anything happened to his family. You didn’t intend to somehow disappoint him by going out alone with Tara. But it was on you now to take care of yourself. Not really for yourself, but for Rick and the others.

Your stream of thoughts was interrupted by the opened door. Daryl stood in the opening with a crossbow on his shoulder. Without dignifying him with either a look or a word, you went outside, hitting his shoulder. He went inside as if nothing happened and, without turning around, hid in one of the rooms, closing the door behind him with a loud knock. The others watched the two of you with intense looks, but no one dared to say anything.

It’s been almost two weeks since your break-up. And almost two weeks since you and Daryl talked.

You ignored each other when you were in the same room, not making the slightest effort at acknowledging other’s presence. Carol was the first one to notice that something about you was wrong. It started the night after your fight when Daryl took the couch downstairs instead of sleeping with you. Carol saw him sleeping early in the morning. It was the first time Daryl didn’t go hunting.

The next thing she noticed was Daryl’s unusual silence. Carol spent almost an hour while cooking breakfast, joking and trying to get any sort of reaction from him. But there was nothing. Not his usual rumbling or annoyed puffing about “damn woman making too much noise in the morning”, nor him looking at her.

It was during breakfast when Carol started to understand the issue. You were having breakfast together, but instead of taking your place at the table next to Daryl, as you would usually do, you took your plate and sat in the armchair, looking away. You didn’t say a single word to Daryl, nor did he to you. Both of you were dead silent, eating your food, eyes glued to the plate. Carol was watching you closely from the corner of her eyes when she noticed how stiff and tensed up you two were. Your red and puffy eyes only made her guesses more clear.

Her assumptions were confirmed the same evening when Daryl again occupied the couch in the living room, and you, having said nothing, locked yourself in your room and didn’t go out until the next morning. You didn’t talk anymore, didn’t look at each other, weren’t interested in telling about your day. And Daryl’s stuff was no longer in your room. Carol noticed that a few days later when she was laying out your washed clothes in the closets.

Daryl increasingly began to go hunting before sunrise and he’d usually return home after sunset. He stubbornly ignored all the questions. And you increasingly began to skip breakfast and dinner, leaving in the morning to train with Enid. Returning home, you never told how your day went, as it was before. Instead, you’d silently clean your gun and go upstairs.

The two of you didn���t go on supply runs together anymore.  Rick once mentioned that you even asked him to pair you with someone else.

Both him and Carol, and other people from your group, tried to get to either of you several times. But always ended up empty. Neither of you wanted to touch the subject.

***

Your mutual ignoring lasted for two weeks. It could’ve been a longer period, but you lived under one roof, and somehow you would have to start talking. Eventually, Daryl was the first to break the silence.

“Ya look like shit.”

You were trying to wash the blood from your face when you heard a sarcastic comment from behind. Daryl entered the room, not even bothering for taking off his boots.

“Loot at that, he can talk!” you exclaimed, without looking at the man. “Always know how to flatter a girl, don’t you?”

You probably did look like shit. You just came from another training with Enid. The two of you had been training in the forest for hours when you ran into a small herd. There weren’t many of them, so you decided that it could be a nice practice for Enid to work on her fighting skills. It wasn’t long before all the walkers were killed, though the two of you were covered in blood and dirt.

“Shut it, woman” he growled. “Did you fall into a pit or something?” he added.

“Yeah, exactly,” you said sarcastically, turning around to look at the man. “The fuck’s your problem, Dixon?” you folded your arms, feeling yourself getting angry.

He just dead glared you in response.

That’s when another disaster started.  

Daryl and you started playing some sort of a game, the rules of which, as it seemed, were known only to you two. Instead of tacit ignoring, you hit each other with sarcastic comments. All the stress and anger accumulated over the weeks now came out. You’ve never wanted to scream so badly.  The two of you in a matter of days turned into those judging assholes you met during your first week in Alexandria. You couldn’t explain why, but it was almost making you feel better about your break-up. As if your now daily fights could heal your broken heart.

While it was the only interaction you two had, the others now had to intervene every time you argued. It started with Carol, lecturing both of you in the morning. You were ashamed of your behavior, sure, but you couldn’t help it. Every time you saw Daryl, you felt like bringing up another reason to make a fight. To get at least that kind of reaction from him. Then, Rick would try too. He still couldn’t assign the two of you on the same shift as it would always lead to another fighting. Neither could he let the two of you alone on the run as you’d probably just kill each other.

At first, it was more like teasing, mocking at best. Though it quickly turned into an absolutely devastating and ugly will to hurt the other. You couldn’t explain that to yourself. You didn’t want to. It still hurt to even look at him, to talk to him.

You tried to suppress any feelings. You forced yourself to hate Daryl with all your heart, just not to feel that pain again. You hated the feeling that all of it was wrong. You hated it, but you couldn’t stop. But even when doubts prevailed and you tried to think rationally, you saw all the same hatred in his eyes. His eyes no longer looked at you with love, as it was when you were together. Daryl didn’t look at you with longing or indifference, as it was after. He was like a stranger. Hostile. And that would force you to crush the tears of resentment and let out another sarcastic comment in his direction. You still hated him. You still hated to feel something for him. And at the end of the day, you were exhausted.

You spent another week or two before you felt both emotionally and physically drained out from your fighting. It came to the point where you wouldn’t even respond to Daryl’s commenting anymore. What felt like a long-awaited relief in the beginning now felt like torture. The never-ending torture. Daryl, on the other side, would still make bitter comments, though he no longer was so angry.

The change didn’t go unnoticed. Rick once shared his observations with Michonne and Carol. He believed that after a sufficiently long period, the two of you could tolerate each other’s company. Or at least could try. And since Alexandria still needed supplies, he took responsibility and called both of you on a morning run.

***

Most of the trip and the run itself went in deathly silence. Neither you nor Daryl said a word while listening to Rick chatting about the future of the community. But at least you didn’t fight, which was a good start.

The situation, however, got out of control on your way back.

“Ya stupid bitch!”

Daryl forcefully slammed the car with his fist, his face red with rage. He was panting as if he had just run a whole marathon. Which was almost true.

“Watch your language, prick!” you shouted back, leaning against the car, trying to catch your breathing.

“What the fuck?! Yer stupid ass almost killed us!” Daryl made his way up you, making you straight up immediately.

“Don’t you dare blame me, Dixon!” you hissed to his face as he came closer. “I didn’t fucking know, alright? You think you’re the smart-ass here?"

“Y/N!” Rick tried to step in but didn’t get a chance to say another word.

“Shut it, Grimes,” you growled, glaring him down. “And you, don’t you fucking dare say that to me!” you returned your attention back to Daryl.

How could you even know? Yes, it was your idea to check out a small village on the way home. But how the hell were you supposed to know that it was there, in this damn village, that you would run into a huge herd? Where you would find yourself in a situation when walking bastards would surround you. That you would hardly have time to get your feet out of there? That’s right, you just couldn’t fucking know that. That was not your mistake. It wasn’t on you.

“Right, because that’s wha’ you do. Ya don’t know shit and you always fuck everything up!” Daryl shouted back, pointing at your with every word. Neither of you cared for making noise that could draw more walkers. Your car was parked far away from the place.

“Is that so? What else exactly did I fuck up, huh?”

Daryl didn’t answer, looking at you intensely.

Tears spilled from your eyes as you nodded to yourself.

And this time you didn’t even try to hide them. You pushed Daryl away from you. You were shaking from resentment and anger. Naturally, you did not plan to lead you in the trap. But the fact that Daryl had just accused you of this made your blood boil. He knew that you would never let this happen. You wouldn’t risk your family. Despite all the skirmishes and quarrels, you trusted each other with your life. But Daryl had just questioned it. It was a blow below the waist.

“Well, I’m fucking sorry, I didn’t plan on this!” you turned away, but then turned back, approaching Daryl, wiping away tears. “But you know what? I’ll make sure I let you know the next time I decide to kill you” you spatted to his face.

You stepped back, no longer looking at Daryl, climbed into the passenger seat in the car, slamming the door behind you. The sound of it was even louder in the dead silence.

***

You were at the guard post, sparing Rosita from her night duty when you heard Rick calling your name. You were trying to empty your head from all sorts of thoughts to get rid of all the frustration, but his voice brought you back to reality. You motioned him to join you, and soon Rick was standing next to you. You instinctively folded your arms in anticipation of another lecturing of your behavior. But Rick was silent for another few minutes before he finally spoke in a calm voice.

“Whatever happened between you and Daryl today, I’m really sorry about that.”

You stayed silent.

“But again, whatever it was, you can’t be mad at him,” Rick said, fully facing you. “There had been tension between you two for the last couple of weeks. I’m sure, he just wants to make it better…”

“Being an asshole to me doesn’t make anything better,” you scoffed, feeling the anger building up in you again.

“You know him better than any of us do,” Rick softly protested. “You know how he gets when he stresses out…”

“Rick,” you turned your face to the man, looking at him with disbelief. “He blamed me for running into a fucking herd!”

“He’s not the bad guy, Y/N, you know that. Maybe you should try and, I don’t know, give him another chance?”

“No fucking way you’re telling me that, Rick,” you hissed. “I’ve given too many second chances to lots of people who didn’t deserve it! I ain’t doing that again.”

You turned away, catching your breath. It cost you all your strength not to cry. Several hours have passed since you returned from your run, but you still couldn’t let it go. You had spent some time in one of the remote corners of the community, away from strangers, looks, and questions. You managed to spend most of the remaining day in complete solitude.

Your night shift was only recently, but you needed this loneliness. Moreover, the experience would not let you fall asleep tonight. You didn’t hope for the company, but you felt that after all, you couldn’t push Rick away. In the end, he wasn’t to blame too.

“I’m so goddamn tired,” you whispered, looking at your hands. “You have no idea, Rick.”

Rick was much older than you, but it never felt weird to open up to him, to call him your brother. You felt awful for distancing yourself from him in the past month. He didn’t deserve it.

Rick squeezed your hand in his. No words needed.

***

Two months later

The decision was made hastily. There was no time for planning. The good weather season was drawing to a close, which meant it was getting harder to fight the hordes. Therefore, when two large hordes were noticed in the vicinity of the community, no one paid attention to the apparent lack of people in the groups. Maybe one did but didn’t say it out loud.

The plan was simple: break the horde into smaller parts and destroy, lead the rest of them away.

Rick, Michonne, Glenn, Daryl, Tara, a few Alexandrians and you, by Rick’s decision, took over the largest of the hordes. Fortunately, you managed to lead away the greater half at the beginning and send them down from a cliff. But with the leftovers, it was worse.

You and Glenn were still recovering from the previous run, your wounds hadn’t yet had time to heal. Rick caught the temperature the day before but flatly refused to stay in the walls of the community. Though to the surprise of many, some residents of Alexandria volunteered to help. It pleased. So, people began to understand that the world they lived in was far from safe.

“Come on, keep on moving!”

“We almost got them!”

Dividing the remaining half of the walkers into smaller groups, you were moving farther north. The progress was slow. It seemed that there were more and more of them coming. You fought with knives, machetes, axes. Guns attracted unwanted attention. The forces were running out. Your thoughts then returned to the second group, which at that very moment was trying to withdraw another horde. Was everyone alive?

“Rosita? Abraham? Do you copy?”

“Spencer? There’s Gabe?”

Constant fear for your loved ones only fueled the desire to quickly deal with it.

You turned around to spot two walkers right behind Rick’s back. You felt your heart missing a beat when you screamed his name at the top of your lungs to get his attention, earning a few new walkers stumble their way to you.

“Rick!”

The man looked back just in time to duck from the bite. He took a few steps back to the side of the road, then crashed his hatchet through the walker’s skull. The other one followed him but stumbled over the dead one’s body. Soon, the second one was dead too, Rick locked his eyes with yours, nodding and turning back to help Michone fight back the other part of the herd.

You went out of your consternation, letting out a shaky breath. That was a very close call. You sighed and started to walk towards the rest of the group to help, and that’s when you felt it. The slightest pressure on your side and then the pain.

The rest happened too fast, you could barely register it. You looked at the dead body lying at your feet. Something that used to be a man still had his eyes open. His half-rotten face was twisted, and your knife stuck out of his head. You looked blankly at him, feeling your body going numb. And then, your gaze involuntarily fell on the side of your shirt. Traces of teeth were visible on the fabric, which was slowly turning darker. You swallowed and stumbled a few steps back, almost tripping over another dead body. That’s when you saw Daryl. He was standing a few feet away, looking at you closely. For a second your terrified gaze met his.

“Shit…”

[kiwi-cackles]

Impressions: Episode 1 (TWW 2017)

This is in no particular order and not edited, so it’s likely to be complete shite, but it’s my shite opinions on the episode - which was in fact that it was brilliant and I love this new series, as I expected to.

I’ll admit I watched the first four at a go with a friend of mine so some stuff has blurred together a bit and I probably have to re-watch them all separately. I got our watching on camera so I can see if there’s anything interesting enough to edit together as a livewatch.

Whether that happens or not, here are my impressions:

Worst Witch thoughts:

- I LOVE the way we end up with Mildred introduced to the magical world, through being able to see it despite coming from a Muggle (to use HP terminology hah) family. It makes absolute sense to me that Mildred being such a creative and imaginative character is what puts her in touch with the reality of witchcraft. The way she gets brought into the school is beautiful.

- Mildred + Maud = adorable. The way they're introduced is so perfect for the two of them: these little loveable oddballs who have a lot of learning to do but also a lot of courage, heart and conscience. Perfect.

- HB: yessss. It's going to take some getting used to the long drawl since HB has always come off as such a clipped and efficient character to me, and how similar it ends up to the Alan Rickman Snape vibe, but I think I'll get used to it.

- I *adore* her relationship with Ada Cackle. I think it really illustrates that these women have lived together a long time and shared a lot of time with one another; they know each other well. They come off as very Married, whether with any romance or sexuality or simply platonically Boston-married. It's beautiful to behold.

- Incorporating Agatha as more of a complex character with a clearer agenda is brilliant. She still has that slightly 'evil' skin-crawly vibe but in more of a Rita Skeeter way and I adore it. It sets off the competition between the two sisters really well and creates the foundation for their fight.

- Love the way the fight scene was handled. It has the touch of ridiculousness to it that any magic battling is really going to have, with all the old traditions of how it's performed, yet was epic enough in its own way. The way it all played out was beautiful; I loved the way HB was able to play the double-agent there and the acting made me smile.

- THAT ETHEL HAS A SISTER, and one who's gifted but not especially snobby or ego-driven ambitious. It really sets the tone for Ethel being the way she is and the way the relationship  parallels the Cackles.

- That we get to see Mildred's mother and flat. It's all so perfect for the two characters and I love getting to see the background there. Mildred's mother is *perfect*, with the question about being on the loo (I'd wondered the same thing!) and it's clear to see where Mildred gets her cleverness and quick thinking.

- Enid: brilliant. We really get a feel for why she is the way she is, that she was raised by fame (very dangerous for Muggle teens too!) and has parents who are paying her less mind, and that she has trouble fitting in or finding friends but can at least feel it when there's true friendship on the table. I can absolutely see why Mildred would be a reason for Enid to settle down enough to try to stick to one school; they had really good chemistry even through the designed conflict of the Maude/Mildred/Enid dynamic.

- The monkey business: hilarious, well done.

- The diversity: yes. It seems like they’re really trying to make an attempt at including more diversity of character. I love that Enid and Miss Drill are WOC characters with natural hair, like that is so important to see more of and I am so happy to see it. I can’t wait to see what other characters hop in and out of the series.

- HB'S PYJAMA SET: *is dead* *in love* *guhhh* *had visceral response* *doesn't know what else to say*

- The worldbuilding: I effing loved it. Seemed they put almost more worldbuilding into the one episode than the last series did into the whole show - and I don't think that makes either bad, I just really love the depth of this world and the rich history we can already see. It's very exciting and thrilling to think about, especially on the front of toying around with it all. (;

- HB/Mildred dynamic: yes, I love it. Within the first episode it's already complicated and fraught but strangely drawn-together.

- Mildred herself: Yes. Her dress-sense, her laugh, her joy and conscience, her guilt and quick-thinking, the times her quick-thinking gets her in trouble, her adeptness with things off the test but not so much within the system, the way she can still get by fine with hard work and attention. Really get the impression that she's quite fun to be around. Her immediate resolve to help Maude set a great tone for the whole story - that this act of kindness is what draws Mildred into this whole magical world. And isn't that how it can feel sometimes?